I’m sitting here trying to eat my heartache away. I’m on my second bowl of a warmed up peanut butter chocolate chip cookie over chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. This is the last cookie and the last of the ice cream and it’s still not cutting it. When did I become a sad eater? Why do I have that Frozen song in my head? Let it go, let it go…is my subconscious trying to tell me something? I wish I could let this song go!
This is the end of my maternity leave. I go back to work tomorrow morning.
Sure I only work 4 hours a day, but that doesn’t make the hurt any less right now. All that matters is that tomorrow, I will get up and leave my baby behind to carry out our little morning routine with somebody else. And then I’ll do it again the next day and every Monday through Friday from now on. No more snuggles every morning until we both feel like rolling out of bed. No more 9 am smiles for me. I’ll be sitting at a desk away from my baby. He’s always so happy in the morning. And now I’m leaving him. I’m so devastated. He’ll be 9 weeks old Friday. I was thinking that I hope I don’t miss anything like his first giggle, or first word, first roll over, first steps. I’m already going to be missing too much. God I love him.
I’m sitting in bed, watching him breathe in his bassinet by my bed almost hoping he’ll wake up so I can console him (really so he can console me). My heart feels like it’s breaking.
Will he miss me? Will he notice I’m gone? Will he need me?